Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mike's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 17th, 2006
3:52 am	thinking of change it's been a while since i've updated this. i was beginning to question the point of even doing it. i didn't feel much like typing things down on here anymore. for a part, i type what's going on with me in here so that you guys can read it. but, i figured out that mostly, i do this for me. i do this because typing my feelings and writing down my emotions and thoughts onto this webpage is a good way to save what's going on in my head or life instead of just remembering it. in order to have a thought and remember it i'd have to think about it again, and my thoughts could change based on my emotion. but this page has no emotion of its own, and it has no thoughts to give other then the ones i put here. they never change. the emotions, thoughts, and events that i place here are always the same no matter how many times i read it through. re-reading the things i put here help me to understand them, and to figure myself out. it's also a form of something that i've always had trouble doing, and that's expressing myself in ways that make me seem less fun...or enjoyable, or likable. i never used to like opening up to people, even those that mattered most, if i could help it. i still don't like doing it but i've come to realize that i should because it allows the people around me that care, to help me when i need it, or to just be there. one person mostly has been there for me the most lately and has become very very close to me. so thankyou to you for helping me find the motivation to start making big decisions for myself. i love you. one thing that's happened since i last updated is that i've gotten an answer to a question that i've been asking myself for sometime since may. the question was that "why is my ex-girlfriend looking around to see when i'm in monmouth county and what could she want"? the answer to the question is that she wanted to apologize for the things that happened between us and except blame...also to try to earn my trust and friendship back because i was an important part of her life and she wants to keep me there. i always wondered if one reason i was so strong about our breaking up and me being alone without her was because i never see or talk to her...and that maybe i'm just so strong because she's not there to make me feel any different. but, after her emailing me, and then calling me to talk...i realized that i'm not going to crack and that i'm just as strong as i should be...i no longer love her, and i don't feel anything when she calls me. it's just an emptiness..not sad....not mad....not vengeful.....just, nothing. i've allowed myself to have conversations with her and find out many many answers to the questions i've had for her. all of which i have gotten answers to, which for the time i will accept as truth even though i don't trust her and probably never will. but i just can't turn my back on a person who has apologized for their mistakes and is showing good merit of wanting trust and friendship. that doesn't mean however, that i will let her back in very close like she used to be. in fact, i'm making sure she doesn't get the idea that we could be together again, i've already told her it won't happen and i know i won't let it because i could never fall in love with a person again who has done what she did to me. i'm too strong for that and not stupid enough. i'll just take what it is in stride...if she calls and wants to talk, fine.....if she doesn't call ever again...then fine too. it doesn't matter either way because she'll never be close to me and all she is to me is an empty blank feeling. on another note.....something i've been thinking about alot lately is where my life is headed professionaly. yea, i love the olive garden, and i love working there and the peolple are awesome. but is that where i really want to be with myself? is it something i want to make a career out of? i had thought so. while i know the job, and i'm comfortable there...is that all it is to me is comfort? am i just settling because its comfortable? most of me thinks that's what it is. those are questions i pretty much already have the answers to. my next question to myself is "what am i going to do with myself if i DID leave the restaurant"? there really is nothing else for me...nothing that i think i would be happy with, except one. i've already started putting plans together to put it in motion, to get it started. i'd like to join the air force. it's something i wanted to do ever since i was little when i would hear stories from my grandfather about his piloting days, and he would show me his pictures and his medals that he had won. it's somewhere that i could make a difference, and be helping people. because that's what i'm good at, and that's what makes me happy....helping others. not everyone is going to agree with my decision....not everyone is going to like it, and i know of 2 people already who are deadset against it. i love you 2 and i appreciate your concern more then you know...but i also have 2 other people who want me to do this. they know to trust me to make the right decisions for myself, and that i will do what i must to be happy. so, while 1 of those 2 would rather i didn't do it, she (my mother) is going to back me 100% with whatever i do. i hope that the 2 of you who don't agree with it, or however many others there are that don't....will also back me up and give me their blessings with it. it's important to me. things are changing, and change is something that needs to happen. it's funny that i typed that...i re-read that last sentence and smiled because as i typed it i remembered something someone told me just recently that is pretty much the same sentence, the same thoughts and feelings that i am having. (we always seem to be thinking the same thing, or going through the same stuff within ourselves at the same time....i love our connection). sometimes we need to change our lives to do what we belive is right. sometimes it just has to be forced, and sometimes it has to be forced quickly, or planned efficiently. originally, i was planning on leaving sometime early february....that would enable me to be here for this season's holiday's and for my little sister/mother's birthdays. after talking with my mom, she feels it's best to get it over with, because what's the sense in waiting. she suggested to me to think of doing it right after the summer months..sometime in september if possible. it's definatley something to think about, and believe me i will put much thought into it. i plan on seeing a recruiter in the coming weeks...talking with them and seeing what my options are. i'd rather not leave if i could help it...it would be the first time in my life that i would put a great distance between me and those i care about by my own decisions. honestly i'm scared to leave. i'm scared to leave where i'm comfortable....where my job is, the places i know, and most importantly my family and friends. they'll always remain my friends and family, but i would see them much less and in part, be out of their lives to a point because i'm not physically around anymore. that, if anything, would be the hardest part of it all to endure. i've got alot to think about still, but at least my thoughts are of the progressive type. if any of you have anything to say to me about it, please tell me because i would really like to hear your opinions...i value them all. Find me here, speak to me I want to feel you, I need to hear you You are the light that's leading me to the place Where I find peace again You are the strength that keeps me walking You are the hope that keeps me trusting You are the life to my soul You are my purpose You're everything And how can I stand here with you And not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this You calm the storms and you give me rest You hold me in your hands You won't let me fall You still my heart and you take my breath away Would you take me in, take me deeper now And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this Cause you're all I want, you're all I need You're everything, everything You're all I want You're all I need You're everything, everything You're all I want You're all I need You're everything, everything You're all I want You're all I need Everything, everything And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better any better than this And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you Would you tell me how could it be any better than this Would you tell me how could it be any better than this Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
1:15 pm	no respect yesterday at work was crap to start with. i got there at 9:30 and did all of the opening work that i had to get done, and i got it done very early. then, just before i was going to unlock the doors at 11 i overhear joe giving samantha directions to the vorhees olive garden. you could just tell she wasn't getting anything he was saying. so i told joe if he wanted to send me sam could host which she loves doing, and it'll be easier since i've been there countless times before. so i pull my car around back to the delivery door and some kitchen guys bring out the stuff i need to bring to the other OG. i left at just a few minutes after 11 with half a tank of gas in my car. so first off to get there i always take haddonfield road down instead of 295. but yesterday was crazy traffic on the road because they were repaving haddonfield road which knocked it down to 1 lane on each side. after finally getting to the vorhees og and dropping off the stuff to them and picking up some things of my own i set out back to my olive garden. i got back at just about noon, which isn't too bad really. after getting back to cherry hill they gave me a whole new shopping list of things to get. our back door doorbell thing broke so i was to get another one of those, they needed a case of lemons, and sue wanted me to get a whole bunch of binders with dividers and other office stuff. joe had said he was going to give me $5 for gas. fuck that, i asked sue for 20. then, after getting all the money for the stuff from sue i set out to get all of it. first stop was to get the lemons, of which they wanted me to go to the produce junction. i have no idea where it is and they gave me directions to get there...which turned out to be wrong by the way. so it took me long enough to get down 38 towards the moorestown mall because of traffic and then longer to actually find the place after i realized the directions i was given were crap. after actually getting there, i had to wait in the long ass line for it. after actually getting the damn lemons, which after getting up to the line they took even longer getting them together, i headed over to the home depot. i asked a guy for help finding what i need, and then when we found the door buzzers he showed me all these fancy things that were way to expensive. but then i found the one that is EXACTLY like the one we already had, except it was a little bit bigger so new holes would have to be drilled, but screw that because it was only $3. yet, the guy was giving me crap saying i'd be better off with something else and i'm telling him this is the one i want. they're all the same except that the others are more expensive and they look like they belong on mansions and shit. it's not like he's working on commission...asshole. then i went into the office max and things there were too expensive for the budget i had. i left, and went across to the staples and shopped around the for things i needed and had just enough money for everything sue had sent me for. then, after leaving i went to the gas station and put the $20 into my car, which didn't even fill it. i asked the dude for a receipt and he told me he couldn't give me one. that's crap. i told him i need one because it's not my money it's my companies money and they need proof of the purchase. so again tells me he can't do it. then i asked him for some sort of signed piece of paper stating the purchase was made and again he told me he can't do that. so i told him "fuck you then" and i left to go back to the restaurant. i get there, and i give the lemons to joe and then bring the rest of the stuff to sue. she immediatley asked me what took so long. it was 2:10 when i got back, so i was gone for about 2 hours doing all their crap. so i told her everything that happened and she was STILL "disappointed" in me for being gone so long. and then she told me she felt that i "con'd"(?) her into giving me 20 dollars for gas when joe said he was going to give me 5. i then told her that $5 for gas was bullshit that my tank would not go anywhere with that because when i left the olive garden to vorhees i had half a tank, and when i got to the gas station i had just a tiny bit over E left. her counterpoint was that vorhees is only about 12 miles away and then moorestown is just down the road so i should have only wasted a gallon of gas. lol, if she was anyone else but my manager i would have told her she's a fucking idiot. in stop and go traffic, constantly accelerating and braking, not to mention its fuckin hot out, and this is without me using any airconditioning to waste more gas, and with the fact that i was turning off the car and then starting it again at each stop...yea...i wasted that much gas because that's what happens in those conditions. and i told her, what do you want me to do? do you want me to go and get 10 in cash to give back to you? would you like me to go fight the guy for a reciept? i told her i wasn't going to get arrested for her being stingy. then i walked away to go talk to joe. he told me not to worry about it that it's fine and that i did good. so then i went back to talk to sue...because when it comes to my managers she is one of my favorites, and it hurt a bit to have her tell me she's disappointed in something i did for her. so i told her that and she apologized to me and told me not to worry about it. then she gave me that "loving/caring" look and asked if i'd like to go on break and come back at 5. so i did that, and then when i did come back she was fun joking around with me and laughing and helping me get stuff done because we got really busy and we were a host short for dinner. so the night was fine but i just can't believe all the crap i got yesterday early afternoon. the rest of the night was good, i went back to lauren's after closing and hung out there for a little while. bridget stopped by for a short time which was nice until me and lauren got into a heated argument. the fight didn't last long and we ended up staying up until about 5 in the morning talking about alot of things and having a good conversation. Harold: So what are you in here for? Tarik: For being black. Harold: Seriously. Tarik: I am serious. You wanna know what happened. I was walking out of a Barnes & Noble, and a cop stops me. Evidently, a black guy robbed a storein Newark. I told him, "I haven't even been to Newark in months." So he starts beating me with his gun, telling me to stop resisting arrest. Harold: Holy shit! What'd you do? Tarik: I kept saying, "I understand I'm under arrest. Now please stop beating me." Harold: I don't understand how you can be so calm about all this. Tarik: Look at me. I'm fat, black, can't dance, and I have two gay fathers. People have been messing with me my whole life. I learned a long time ago there's no sense getting all riled up every time a bunch of idiots give you a hard time. In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should. Plus I have a really large penis. That keeps me happy. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
11:45 pm	nothin else to say i really haven't been up to much lately, so here's an update to show i'm alive and my work schedule for the week Monday I have off. Tuesday I work 5-closing at the olive garden and then 7-11 until 6 in the morning wednesday. Wednesday morning after I get off of work at 7-11 at 6AM I go home for about 2 hours and then I'm back at the olive garden at 9:30 and i'm there until closing that night which is till about 10:30ish again and then to 7-11 until 6AM Thursday. Thursday I get to sleep when I get home from 7-11 and then I'm back at work at olive garden at 5-close again. Friday I have off. Saturday I work 3 to about 10 but I might stay until closing at 11. Sunday I work 12 to 3 but I might pick up a dinner shift and either stay later or actually close. yea lots of fun like 50 somethin hours for the week. yay me! "If you are in a jihad and you kill an infidel, which, I'm sorry to say is all of us, and you yourself die, you will go up to the gates of heaven where you will be greeted by seventy-one dark-haired virgins. The Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins, but 71 Crystal-Clear Raisins... slight difference of interpretation, really! I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the gates of Heaven where George Washington comes out and says, "How dare you defile what I have created," and starts whaling on his ass, then 70 other members of the Continental Congress come out and start kicking the shit out of him. Osama-"Hey, wait! Where are my virgins?" George-"71 VIRGINIANS, you asshole!!" Osama-"Jesus Christ!! I put in a call to Jesus Christ!! and then St. Peter comes out and yells "Hey Jesus, did you call a cab?" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 14th, 2006
12:32 am	quick day today was a good day in general. it went by kinda fast though. i started off waking up early and getting my little sister to school. then i went off and ran some errands and did some more stuff around the house. then at about 1ish i went over to papa ward's garage and dropped off my neon and took his pontiac. driving that around was really weird. it's a bigger car and it's heavier then mine. after dropping off the car and switching to the pontiac i went home until i needed to leave for work. i watched spiderman while i did laundry. work was easy enough for the most part. i wanted out early so ben said he would close for me. leaving work at about 9 i got changed and headed over to lauren's. talked with mama ward for a little bit and then headed over to the carnival to switch cars again. i parked at mk's house and right as i got there randy pulled up as well. he and i walked to the carnival where he went to find jackie and i went to find papa ward to get my spare key back from him. he told me where he parked my neon so i went and got it and brought it to mk's. i then went to get into the pontiac when i realized i gave the keys back to papa ward. so i walked back to the carnival to get the keys, walked back to mk's to get the car, and then parked the car closer to the carnival in the spot that he had parked my neon. then i walked back to mk's to get my neon and bring it closer to the carnival and parked it by the pontiac. after that i went looking for jackie and randy. i ran into pat ward and jenna and cait. jackie and randy were out front of the carnival by the church so i met up with them and we ended up having a really good talk...me and randy ended up in a civil argument/disagreement/debate about life and things until eventually the carnival was closing. we then walked back to our cars of which i ran into pat ward again and one of his friends. i drove them home and hung out at lauren's for a little bit before i decided to go home. i think i'll sleep good tonight and i'll probably decide to sleep in a little bit tomorrow for the fact that i start 7-11 tomorrow night after i get off of the olive garden. so basically i work from 5-10:30/11ish at the olive garden and then go right over to the 7-11 and work until about 6 in the morning. since tomorrow is going to be pointless i'm going to use it to rest because after i get off 7-11 which is going to be thursday morning, i can expect to be home by 6:30ish and then woken up at 7:30ish for my mom to tell me she is leaving and so i can move my car (because i'm not parking in the street anymore), and then go back to sleep until 8:30ish when i have to bring my little sister to school. then i might be able to sleep for a little bit longer until i go into monmouth county on thursday. i'm going to see aj for the graduation thing and also to see christina who i haven't seen in a little over 2 years. we're probably not going to do anything special, probably just sit around and talk and catch up. it should be fun and relaxing, which after working 13 hours and hardly any sleep...i'm going to need to take it easy. yea so that's pretty much it. aside from the feeling that i would like to be closer to some friends, and that i would also like to be able to help one specific. in the past i would do anything to help anyone, but this time around i think the only thing i'm good for, is just to mind my own and leave her alone. so i'm not going to push, and i'm not going to try especially since what she more then likely wants is to be left alone. i trust that she knows i'm there if i'm needed, and to come to me if she has to, but i also trust her to know how to take care of herself, so i hope that's what she'll be able to do. i like old school so much here's another quote from it Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you! Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair. Janice: Okay... Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 13th, 2006
1:57 am	a fun day so today was my only day off this week. although, i do kind of need to find a way to get thursday off if i can and get some sort of money to get into monmouth county to attend a graduation with aj. plus, my friend christina is on leave from the airforce and she's back home from italy until friday. i haven't seen her in 2+ years so i would really like to catch up with her. after being woken up today at about 12:30 by pat ward, i got up and started doing things around the house and took a shower. i eventually got out of my house at like 2ish and then i went to get MK. cinnaminson avenue was blocked off on route 130 to make the u-turn to get on her road, so i had to detour through some traffic, and end up back down at the friendly's to get on the other side of 130 and turn onto riverton road and go down that way. then, after getting mary kate we went back to lauren's. me, pat, and mk watched power ranger videos we downloaded and then i left to bring cayleigh to a job interview, which she basically nailed, and then i brought her back to her house for a few minutes and then on back to lauren's. after getting back, mk and i went to acme for some things for dinner. got back to lauren's and eric kennedy was just arriving. lauren started making dinner and i decided to make more music cd's. eric eventually left taking cay with him, and pat went to his hockey game. lauren, mk, and i decided to go to the carnival for a little while and when we got to mk's we met up with tom. we parked our cars there and walked over to the carnival to meet up with colleen and her cousin and sister. hung out with them for a short time and when they left we started to walk around. the carnival was fun, i didn't go on any rides, but it was nice to just walk around, talk, and watch people. mk and laura went on a ride while i waited. lauren, cayleigh, tom, randy, jackie, and pat all met up with me while they were on the ride. somehow cayleigh just disappeared...it was weird. i saw an old co-worker which was really nice (shes so hot) and she plans on getting in touch with me (sweet). lauren wanted to go home so i dropped her off and came back to the carnival. randy, jackie, tom and i decided to go see x-men 3. after a short lightsaber battle at mk's with me, laura, and mk, and then me, tom and randy, we left for the movie. the car ride was fun and the movie was good again. i noticed more this time around. after the movie i brought tom back to his car at mk's and then dropped randy and jackie off. after that i headed home to come online for a bit and type this up. now i'm going to bed because in the morning i have to get lauren and drive my car and her moms boneville over to her dads shop so i can drop off my car so he can do my brakes for me. then i have to drop off lauren and keep the boneville so i can have it for work and getting around until my car is done. today's quote is brought to you by OLD SCHOOL Mitch Martin: "True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend..." Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
12:52 pm	ups and downs i cant explain why it is that everything in my life was going so well, i was content, and i was happy. then, all of a sudden everything that could have went to crap...did. everything started to suck and it sucked bad. then after like a week or so of despair and anger everything started to correct itself and clear up, why does that happen?? PROBLEM 1.) Me and Bridget broke up. It sucks because I still want so much more, and I would rather not have these feelings anymore, because I'm going to be wasting my time on it, and all it is as far as the relationship is concerned is pain. Solution- Bridget and I are still friends, she is one of my best friends, and definatley on the very short list of people that are extremely close to me and matter most. Because of her friendship and caring, I have been able to deal with not being able to be with her in a much better way with less difficulty then I would have if I didn't have her there. So thankyou to her for that. Problem 2.) The Olive Garden kind of shorted me on my hourly wages when I was server training. So with my car insurance and registration payments due that week, I definatley fell short by alot. Solution- Once again Bridget came to my aid. She lent me/forced me to take the money necessary to pay off everything I needed to take care of to keep my head above water. I also have my money from the Olive Garden coming to me since I pointed out that they screwed me, so that's being corrected. Problem 3.) I have had my car for 1 year, making it 2 years old, and with that comes time to start doing maintenance work on it. Right now the thing to concentrate on would be the brake system. That's mostly because my front left brake is basically done and all it does now is squeak really annoyingly. Who knows how long the others will last but I'm guessing they're about to go too. I do not have that kind of money to be able to get that taken care of. Solution- After a nice long talk with Momma Ward, Poppa Ward told me not to worry about the brakes getting done because he's going to take care of that for me this week. When I told him I don't have that kind of money, he told me that he basically doesn't care and that we can work out some sort of weekly payment plan. He doesn't care if I pay him $20 a week as long as I stay consistent and all that really matters is that I'm driving around in a safe vehicle. So thankyou to him and momma for doing that for me. Problem 4.) Although it's not that big of a deal, Bridget bought me a new Lightsaber on Friday. So, she knows I'm paying her back for that. The solution to this and Problem five will be explained later. Problem 5.) Friday night Bridget and I were watching a movie at my house. It was pretty quiet outside until we heard a yell that sounded like "FUCK" and then a very loud bang. Not sure what it was I went to the kitchen window to see what was going on and I see a kid walking down the middle of the street, not to far from where my car is parked. I went outside and walked down to my car and took a look around to see what he could have hit. I started to check my car for dents but there were none. Then I look down and I see shattered glass on the road. I look up and my back drivers side window is smashed out. I ran back up into my house and started to throw my shoes on telling my mom to call the cops that someone just smashed my window. Then, I went into the family room to tell Bridget to stay there, and I saw the lightsaber on the ground. Immediatley my mind flashed back to telling her when I took it out of the box that it's so much easier to weild and use then the others. All jokes aside, it is a fucking weapon because it will hurt if hit by it. So, being that I couldn't think of anything else, I grabbed it and ran out the door to go beat the crap out of that kid. When I got out there, there was no sign of him. I threw the lightsaber into the car and I got in and started searching for him around the neighborhood. There was no sign of him and the cops didn't find him either. That bastard better know how lucky he is. Bridget and my mom taped up the window with a garbage bag when I did get back and after the cops left. The next morning I had to go out and get the window replaced. Solution- Well, one problem wasn't solved, and the other one was solved but it created another problem. I wasn't able to catch that kid and I really really want to hurt him. The window was replaced and that's taken care of, but now I owe $170 to my grandmother. Problem 6.) So, now I owe money to Bridget for the cost of the lightsaber, plus what I was forced to borrow. I know she says I don't have to worry about paying her back right away, but I can't let this debt hang over my head. I never wanted to take the money in the first place, I was extremely against it but she forced it on me. Thank you and you will get your money soon. Also, now I owe money to my grandmother and I also have to get that back to her as soon as I can. I hate borrowing money, I'd rather get things done on my own. So, this is not just an attack on my car or wallet, but also one against my pride. Plus, while yes, it's a big big thing to not have to pay all that money up front for the brakes to be done, I still have that payment plan to work out, and I will pay that off as much as I can, as soon as I can. Solution- Thanks to Cayleigh and her stepdad Pat, I got hired for doing overnight shifts at the 7-11. I'll be starting with just Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and after the training and I get used to it Pat told me I could pick up some other shifts that are open and get more hours. This is going to enable me, along with the Olive Garden which I'm working more at now too, to get my head above water and pay back those debts alot faster. So, it definatley won't be long before I've paid everyone back. Problem 7.) My little sister is going to camp daily for the summer. The problem with that is she goes to camp AFTER my mom has gone to work, and BEFORE she gets off. So my mom needs someone to watch her before and after and also to get her to and from camp before she gets off work. That means I'm stuck doing it and It's going to make me change my availability at the Olive Garden for the next few months. I hate not being able to be open for whatever hours they could possibly give me. This is going to restrict me to not being able to go in any earlier then 5 PM Monday-Friday. Solution- My mom has offered to pay me for watching her and getting her to and from camp. What I'm not making at the Olive Garden she is going to cover. Plus, as a bonus, she's dropping all of my car payments for the summer. Problem 8.) The tatoo parlor finally has my tattoo drawn up, and it looks really good. The only thing is that they're idiots and it wasn't done the way I wanted it to. It's not what I asked for even remotely, and they want me to pay $350 for it. Solution- I am not fucking getting it. After weeks of them giving me the run around on it getting drawn up, they finally have something to give me and it's not what I want. There's no way that I'm putting it on me when I'm not 100% happy with it. Also, the money they want for it I would pay out if I had wanted it, but that's a rediculous amount of money that I don't have and that's fine because I'm not going to waste my time on it now. I'll go somewhere else later for it. Assholes. So, all in all, things are starting to level out. I guess that's alright since things are kind of normal now. My life went from being a 10...then it dropped to a -10, and now it's kind of settling out at 0. Things are neither really good, or bad, and for the moment I'll take it. Jack: "Eric, is that you"? Eric: "No, not Eric, not anymore". Jack: "Well, who are you then"? Eric: "I am Plays With Squirrels". Mr. Feeny: "Mr. Matthews"? Eric: "Mr. Squirrels". Mr. Feeny: "Eric"?? Eric: "Plays With". Eric: "You know what this is don't you Mr. Feeny? This is what we call a Love Triangle". (draws a square in the air with his fingers) (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 8th, 2006
4:26 pm	shes right bridgets right. i've been down and out before, and i've been in really bad situations before, and despite how hard it's been i've always been able to pull myself up and do what needs to be done to make my life better. it's a bitch anyway you slice it because it's never fun to have to do in the first place. no matter how mad i get at my life, or how much things suck and seem that they will never get better, i know that they always will. it won't happen just because it's supposed to. it's going to happen because i'm going to make it happen. i won't allow myself to feel like this, i won't allow myself to be unhappy. it's not fair to myself, and it's not fair to my friends and the people that are around me and care about me. i'm better then the thoughts of negativity and i won't let them control me, just like i never have. things will get better for me, i think they are starting to, and it's because i'm making that happen. i've learned to listen to my friends, and take advice and hear what they have to say to me, even if i don't like it. but ultimately it will always be me who makes the decision for what's best, and i'm lucky that i have such good friends who i know trust me to do just that. i know they're there for me when i need them, and although i may never come to them for that help...i always know that i can, and that's more then enough help to me, and more then enough comfort. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 7th, 2006
1:06 pm	this is hell? its so rainy... i cant tell anymore if i feel the way i do day to day based on the weather, or if i'm the one causing it. i'm trying to make myself have good thoughts and think of good things that make me happy, but all i ever feel like doing lately is causing an argument. like, i really just want to piss someone off at me just so i can cause a fight (physical or verbal no preferences). does anyone understand that? do any of you ever just want to start something just so you have a reason to feel angry at something and so you can yell and get out your frustrations. i have no fucking money, i'm flat broke. and there is no promise for me to have any anytime soon. any money i get is going right into my bills. on top of that i need to get my brakes done in the car, my front left is already going out, i feel it when i brake, i know its low. its not life threatening or even a problem just now but if that one is going then i dont know when the others are going to rub out...soon probably since i'm the cars second owner and its only 2 years old. i'm single again, and while i'm ok with that in general it still sucks to want more and know you're not going to get it. one reason being that i just won't be satisfied with anything anymore and the other reason being that i just don't want to open myself up to it anymore. so that option is done and that part of my life is closed. it sucks but oh well. the fucking tattoo parlor is taking their sweet ass time, and that's pissing me off. "come in tomorrow"...i come in..."its not done yet come in in a few days"...i do that...."come in tomorrow"....the run around really pisses me off, but it doesnt matter because even if the tattoo is done being drawn up i still can't get it because I HAVE NO MONEY FOR IT. YAY ME!!!! then if you throw in the fact that sooner or later my mom and i are going to get into a huge argument (because seriously, why wouldn't we, its been what...2 weeks with no problems..its goin to happen eventually) and the fact that now i have to turn to work to pass time and make my head leave thoughts behind me....that just sucks because if i have to rely on my job to take my mind of things and make things better, odds are with my luck that working will really start to suck and just make another thing for me to complain about. depending on how you look at it the only good thing is that i have a possibility of picking up a second job...and it will be an overnight job. that's the only time i can afford to do anything else is when everyone else in the world is sleeping. i really don't sleep that much anymore anyway so it's not that bad. if i'm going to be awake i might as well be making money while doing it. and then the extra money can go towards paying bills but the first thing i'm going to do with it is pay back a friend who lent me when i needed it. the fact that i had to take the money from my friend is annoying me enough as it is...so it's my first priority to get that off my shoulders. u know, it would be so nice to just be able to fucking save up even just a little bit of money. i could be the only one in the world to win the lottery and all of a sudden owe it all to something. p.s- i've never found a song that could ever truly match to what i feel and how my life is going, but this is the song that i've just been listening to over and over because hey, i like it. but then when i actually thought about the lyrics, its like hey...you're me...hi...nice to meet u.....i suck. What do I do to ignore them behind me? Do I follow my instincts blindly? Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening? Do I / sit here and try to stand it? Or do I / try to catch them red - handed? Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness, Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness? Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin I make the right moves but I’m lost within I put on my daily façade but then I just end up getting hurt again by myself [myself] I ask why, but in my mind I find I can’t rely on myself [myself] I ask why, but in my mind I find I can’t rely on myself I can’t hold on To what I want when I’m stretched so thin It’s all too much to take in I can’t hold on To anything watching everything spin With thoughts of failure sinking in If I Turn my back I’m defenseless And to go blindly seems senseless If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll Take from me ‘till everything is gone If I let them go I’ll be outdone But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer [by myself] [myself] I ask why, but in my mind I find I can’t rely on myself [myself] I ask why, but in my mind I find I can’t rely on myself I can’t hold on To what I want when I’m stretched so thin It’s all too much to take in I can’t hold on To anything watching everything spin With thoughts of failure sinking in How do you think / I’ve lost so much I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch How do you expect / I will know what to do When all I know / Is what you tell me to Don’t you (know) I can’t tell you how to make it (go) No matter what I do, how hard I (try) I can’t seem to convince myself (why) I’m stuck on the outside How do you think / I’ve lost so much I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch How do you expect / I will know what to do When all I know / Is what you tell me to Don’t you (know) I can’t tell you how to make it (go) No matter what I do, how hard I (try) I can’t seem to convince myself (why) I’m stuck on the outside I can’t hold on To what I want when I’m stretched so thin It’s all too much to take in I can’t hold on To anything watching everything spin With thoughts of failure sinking in I can’t hold on To what I want when I’m stretched so thin It’s all too much to take in I can’t hold on To anything watching everything spin With thoughts of failure sinking... Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Monday, June 5th, 2006
2:21 am	i have no limit only when i've fallen so far down into darkness do i realize that i'm actually flying up towards the light the right thing will always be done by me even if the right thing means putting myself into danger, or not having everyone understand or accept it, as long as i trust myself to know that it IS the right thing, and that i will always do it, no matter how crazy it is or how dangerous it could be...there is always a lesson to be learned, and i will always find it my life has meaning, and i have found it and in finding it i realize this: that my life was not created for me, it was created for you you're the reason i exist...you and everyone else i will always be there, nothing is taking me away or allowing me to go until i have fulfilled whatever destiny i have, i think i've proved that much so far some things were realized, some things were known, but through everything, ultimately, i have grown i had to break through some barriers to learn the lessons that i've learned today...i pushed myself to the point of which nobody should ever have to go. but the lesson i learned is worth it...because i understand it, it makes sense, and it shows me my value. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
3:13 am	one of my shortest entries so far.......or not so today was pretty good. i was able to wake up and fall asleep like 3 different times. that's always fun. bridget had said she would wake me up at 8 but she slept in past her alarm because she was way tired and didn't feel too well today. that's ok baby, i'm just glad you're feeling better. i called cayleigh around noon to see what she was doing, to which she didn't answer, and i proceeded to get stuff done around my house. finally got in touch with cayleigh around 2ish and headed over to her house. like always we had alot of fun. so much to always want to add to this because of her lol. first off we saw a commercial for KFC and we were just dying to get some mashed potatoes, so when we got to the one on 73 it was a KFC and a Taco Bell all in one. it completely screwed us up because we had no idea what we wanted then. eventually we decided and we got what we wanted and headed back to her house. i love when me and her are both in good moods because we feed off of eachother and we go nuts. we also come up with the craziest ideas of things to do. like, for any next party that we can get to do this, we want to make everyone dress like zombies and dance to THRILLER in lauren's backyard. also, we want to write up a dialogue script based on our interactions with how we really are in real life. then we want to videotape it and make it so we are blantantly acting and do it really horribly. another thing we are good at doing is placing our friends around to see who would be what character in tv shows and stuff. so far i think we have done smallville, dharma and greg (cayleigh is sooooo dharma), friends, boy meets world, the breakfast club, and eric helped us place what guys would be the backstreet boys. eric and i are going to start a boy band. it's gonna suck lol. after fun times at cayleigh's i talked to bridget for a little while on my way to work. work wasn't that bad, it went by pretty quickly for the most part. just alot of big parties coming in...mostly sports teams. i sat a party of 16 guys from some sports team in the backroom of the restaurant and not to long after did i seat a party of 8 guys that were from their RIVAL team right next to them...hahahaha. only thing that pissed me off was how many people came in fucking 5 minutes before the doors were to be locked. insufferable bastards! despite all those assholes i was still able to get out by like 11ish. bridget had showed up at about 10:30ish and we went to acme when i got off so we could go see her mom. her moms really cool and i can tell she likes me. it's comforting to know that. we went to the park for a little while to swing and walk around. eventually a cop showed up and kicked us out....thats now 2 parks in 2 nights. conspiracy!!! we ended up just going back to my house since we couldn't find much else to do otherwise and we just sat around and talked and laughed at stuff. all in all a pretty good day/night. quote of the day- me: "cayleigh we should place all our friends as looney toons" cay: "i get to be tweety" me: ok so who's going to be sylvester since he's trying to kill you?" cay: "who ISN'T trying to kill me?" quote from last night- me: "i have too much energy...i'm to the point where i'm going to take my unopened bottle of vault energy drink...open it...pour it over my head, and giggle" and one other thing...if the california state police calls any of you guys tonight or anytime this week in reference to me...deny any claims they make about me knowing how to speak elvish! Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 30th, 2006
12:56 am	crazy few days there's nothing much for me to really tell in here without revealing too much information on some subjects. everything i would put in this entry has already been told by bridget and cayleigh. which is fine because i'm rather tired and i really dont' feel like retelling a story that's already been told twice. all i can really say is that friday was awesome, saturday was awesome, sunday was awesome, today was awesome, and tomorrow is going to be awesome too! sweet. to sum up how i felt on friday... AJ had said to me when we were in the theatre waiting for the movie to start: "ya know mike you look like you're doing good...you look happy", and i replied to that "yea i am. let's put it this way...the 5 people who could ever matter most to me in my life are all in this building tonight, and they're all getting along really well". as far as saturday goes for me, going down to the shore was well worth it. i was able to see a beautiful city i never even knew existed before, and i was able to spend more quality time with bridget. the boardwalk was very loud and fun but at the same time it was peaceful...the ocean was beautiful. the ride back to cinnaminson was a little shaky, especially for cayleigh (sorry cay, didn't intend on scaring you so much! i love ya!) the rest of the night was VERY interesting and ALOT of fun. bridget and i stayed the night at pat's which his basement was pretty much impossible for us to see anything...we woke up thinking it was still dark out, and i especially forgot that we were even in a basement, it made me feel like i only slept for maybe 10 minutes...although you could hardly tell if your eyes were open or not lol. on that morning, sunday, bridget and i went out to lunch at harvest where she got a shortstack of pancakes and i ordered french toast. i also got a side of scrambled eggs, home fries, and buttered toast. SO MUCH FOOD and it was only like $7. getting it every time i go there now. after lunch bridget brought me back home to which i stayed there with her for like 15 minutes and then she had to leave to go home and get ready for work. i left same time as her and drove off to see if cayleigh was home, which she wasn't. then i went to see mrs. k and fill her in on my weekend...she was so excited to hear about it. cayleigh eventually did get in touch with me and we hung with mrs k. for a while until leaving to go to lauren's. the three of us got some talking done and hung out for a while until lauren was going to leave to see dave and cay and i went to see bridget since she was getting off work soon and i had promised her i would stop in. the three of us went to pat's for a while to hang out there, in which i felt a little thought clouded and i went outside to just get some fresh air and think like i like to do in the summer. bridget came out and talked to me and spent some time with me before having to leave to go home. she couldn't have made my night or my life any better then she already has but she definatley managed to do so that night. i care so much about her and i'm living in a dream world now that me and her are together. there's nothing i wouldn't ever do for her and i know she feels the same way. i have already been in love with her for a while now and she knows it and i always tell her "i love you". i know how she feels about me and it's a cute thing she does when i get an "i know" in return. well that night was different because when she was leaving and i said it to her...this time i got an "i love you too" in return. she absolutely made my life! i love you so much babygirl, thank you for making me happier then i've ever been...you make me feel content, something i have never felt before in my life. today was back to work but only for a short time. i served during lunch today and i was out by 3ish. didn't do too bad, i made decent money but even better was my mood and my tables were able to enhance it more because i was able to talk with them and laugh and just get along with random people. it makes things so much easier. when i got off work i was going to try to find cayleigh but remembered she was in ocean city again today, so i went over to randy's and hung out with him, momma k, sensei les, and steve. fun times over there, it makes me feel so good to know she appreciates me coming over there. after that i went over to lauren's and hung out over there with pat and momma ward. we went swimming for a bit and i shot patrick in the forehead. sorry little bro that gun has a hair trigger. you'll be ok. left lauren's when bridget showed up and me and her went back to my house to relax on my couch and watch a really good movie. being around her is so invigorating and she just brings such a calm to my life...if there was any word for it, i would probably call it nirvana. or maybe it's just that we're in love. either way it's really good. plus my mom likes her which is always a good thing lol. after a nice relaxing night i brought her back home and i came back here to write this. now i'm on my way out again because a friend needs me and i'm totally there. i'll update again after tomorrow, going to be with bridget until i have work at 5 so me and her are probably going out to the park for a game of catch or something really fun. i love recreational stuff and it's great that she does too. we know how to have fun right sweetie? can't wait to see you tomorrow, hope you're dreaming sweet dreams and i love you! -p- Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
6:30 pm	oh wow so here's an update that just happened like 10 minutes ago. me and cayleigh are at lauren's house, and cayleigh starts looking around the house. she comes back up the stairs into the kitchen and this is the conversation: cayleigh- "mike, if you were a tampon, where would you be?" me- "in a pussy" cayleigh- "wow, i had that coming" me- "cumming?" cayleigh- "oh god" me- "oh god?" cayleigh- "i left myself wide open" me- "...wide open?" ::insane laughter:: love ya cay oh and last night at randy's i was driving mrs. k insane to the point that although she was laughing alot she opened her BIBLE to find a word that best describes me and she threatened to get some holy water for me. to which i asked her "is it a bad thing if when i touch holy water it evaporates?" (Comment on this)
Monday, May 22nd, 2006
1:32 am	good stuff so life is still going pretty good for me. the past week has been something entirely surreal to me. first off i'm still doing good at work, tonight i wasn't feeling all to well so i left a little earlier then i should have, went to cayleigh's where she gave me some medicine and i relaxed, eventually feeling better. thanks cay! home life has been pretty good...no arguments or anything like that going on with me and my mom, just pretty quiet around the house which is nice. my friendships are going really well and i was even able to touch base with one of my close friends a few nights ago and now i feel that me and her are on the same page finally. and finally, anyone who is going to be reading this is going to know what i'm talking about anyway, but i've found love again. i found love when she was only becoming one of my best friends. and that's all we were going to be at the time as to what she wanted. but now things have completely turned out even better then i expected because as open and honest as we've always been...it's only gotten better and grown more. i care about her so much and think of her all the time, there isn't anything i wouldn't ever do for her and now i know she feels the same way and wants to be with me. i always knew she was there for me and cared, but now she's my girlfriend and things between us are going great. i couldn't be happier and i know that she is very happy and satisfied with where we are now too. i just feel like i've reached peace with myself and my life for the first time in a long time. i love you babygirl and i'm here for you when you need me, i know i don't have to tell you that because you already know...but that's not going to stop me from saying it anyway. i know this week is going to be hard for you but i'm right here and i won't hesitate to be by your side if you need me there. i'll see you in a few days and you'll be in my thoughts. also, looking forward to this friday...plans are finally set. leaving at 10 AM to get bridget, lauren, and cayleigh and then drive up to monmouth county. meet up with dre there, probably get some breakfast and hang out for a little while. then we catch the train up to newark around 2 to get brandon and come back down to monmouth county. then a very fun filled/relaxing day into the night when we go see x-men 3. possibly some point pleasant or whatever else we decide we feel like doing. maybe some drinking, who knows. just alot of fun and a nice relaxing time. i can't wait. so yea, things are going really good lately still. i'm enjoying it and wondering how much more if it is left...hopefully it's alot.i even only work until 3 every day this week which means i get to chill the rest of the day into the night with all these beautiful days we have coming up. sweeeeeeeeeeet Current Mood: happy (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
2:41 am	bored so yea i haven't updated in a few days and i really don't have anything i can say except things are good...really good....so here are my answers to this survey thing. 1.Made out for more than 3 minutes? oh yea 2. Slept in a different bed? oh yea 3. Made out in a movie theatre? oh yea 4. Made out in the forest? oh yea 5. Thought your cousin was hot? oh no 6. smoked a cigarette? nope 7. Slept naked? sure 8. made out with someone of the same sex? ...no but i have a funny story for anyone who asks 9. Gone over the speed limit? kind of hard not to 10. Painted your room? yea 11. Driven a car? only when i wake up tho 12. Danced in front of your mirror? no, i dont dance 13. Gotten a hickey? hmm maybe but i'm good at giving them 14. Been dumped? once or twice 15. Stolen money from friend? nope 16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? i think so 17. Been in a fist fight? ha 18. Snuck out of your house? i'm stealthy 19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? yes and no 20. Been arrested? i can neither confirm nor deny and allegations brought against me so at this time i have no further comment, thank you 21. gone sky diving? no but i definatley want to 22. Left your house with out telling your parents? of course 23. Had a crush on your neighbor? actually yea 24. Ditched school to do something more fun? six flags 25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? yea 26. Seen someone die? seen...?...no... 27. Been on a plane? yea 28. Kissed a picture? maybe 29. Slept in until 3? o yea 30. Love someone or miss someone right now? YUP :) 31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? no i like to look at stars though 32. Made a snow angel? yes 33. Played dress up? hahaha, yea and i got hit on...traumatic 34. Cheated while playing a game? nope 35. Been lonely? yes 36. Fallen asleep at work/school? yea 37. Been to a club? yea 38. Felt an earthquake? yea 39. Touched a snake? yup 40. Ran a red light? darn short ass yellow lights 41. Been suspended from school? yup 42. Had detention? yup 43. Been in a car accident? yea...not in my car...i got hit by a cop 44. Hated the way you look? yes 45. Witnessed a crime? yes 46. Been lost? uh huh 47. Been to the opposite side of the country? yes..cali 48. Felt like dying from embarrassment? no i usually laugh 49. Cried yourself to sleep? maybe once 50. Sang karaoke? no i dont sing karaoke 51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? probably 52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? yea lol got milk? u do? stop drop and roll aj!!!! ahahahh 53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yes 54. Kissed in the rain? yes 55. Sung in the shower? yes 56. Had a dream that you married someone? i had a dream i married like 6 people...not at once tho 57. Glued your hand to something? yea my other hand 58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no but i did to an ice cube once 59. Ever gone to school partially naked? yes! oh wait...partially?? no 60. Been a cheerleader? sexest bastards 61. Sat on a roof top? yes, school and church 62. Didn't take a shower for a week? no 63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? nope 64. Played chicken? with what cars? no...with bikes? yes 65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? yea 66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? actually yea 67. Broken a bone? yea fractured and then fractured again/broken 68. Been easily amused? yea 69. Laugh so hard you cry? yea 71. Forgotten someone's name? lol yea 72. Blacked out from drinking? not blacked out 73. Played a prank on someone? yes 74. Gone to a late night movie? the best 75. Made love to anything not human? thats random but no 76. Failed a class? yea 77. Choked on something you aren't supposed to eat? no 78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? nope 79. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? no 80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? yes 81. Thrown strange objects? maybe 82. Felt like killing someone? no not in seriousness...I AM NOT LYING 83. Thought about running away? Yes 84. Ran away? lol i ran out of breath before i got away..came back because i was tired 85. Had detention and not attend it? yea b/c i knew i had no plans that saturday 86. Made your parents cry? yes 87. Cried over someone? yea 88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? no randy bought them i didnt 89. Dated someone more than once? nope 90. Have a dog? yes 91. Own an instrument? no 92. Been in a band? no 93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? no 94. Broken a cd? yes 95. ever shot a gun? yup 96. Been online for more than 5 hours? yea 97. Eaten an entire pizza? not at once 98. Flirted with a huge nerd, just to be funny? no that's mean 99. Have u ever ate POLLO ASADO? yup i love roasted chicken 100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? nah Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
1:53 am	hmmm yea, so when i'm right i'm right. ALL of my plans fell through today, it was just how i figured it would be. jackie didn't feel well enough to going out which is fine...i did eventually catch up to randy and me and him spent pretty much the entirety of the day hangin out. we went over to the tattoo parlor and talked with the guy there, then came back to his house to look up stuff online for pictures of the twin towers and spiderman. found some pictures that i like and mrs. k said she would take the twin tower picture and blow it up all big and stuff. gotta start putting together sketches of what i want to do for this tattoo...alot of compromises are going to need to be made on my part to get it the way i want it done and the way it will look best. it's going to take some time. i did make an attempt to call sam but she didnt answer so o well...i tried again a lil bit later and still no answer or call back, so thats that. at one point of the night randy had some things to do so he had to leave, so me and mrs k. hung out. i called cayleigh to see what she was doing, which was watching everwood. so she had me ask mrs k. if she was watching too and if she could come over and watch with us. so during a commercial break the second the first commercial came on i got up and ran to the door, put on my shoes and ran out to my car. drove real fast down the street and as i passed cayleigh's house i slowed down to beep the horn and then do a major u-turn. when she came out of the house seconds later i was already turned around and waiting. she hopped in and we sped down the street to randy's house where i let her out and parked the car. i was in the house with my shoes off just as the last commercial ended! HA! after the show we just hung around a lil bit and watched some of the news, at which point i called bridget b/c it was getting late and i wanted to know how her first day in NC went. she seems to be doin alright which is good, i'm glad she's doing well with this opportunity that has been given to her. after that we had to leave randy's so cayleigh headed home while i got off the phone and went in to say goodnight to randy and mrs. k, went back to cay's for a few minutes to talk to her and then came home n watched some tv. i had a nice but short conversation with jackie in which we plan on getting lunch at noon tomorrow since we missed that today. aside from my plans going to shit for the day i still had a really great time and it was a really good day overall. the only thing is, what the hell was up with the sky today...I'M SUNNY!!! NO...I'M CLOUDY!!! NO...I'M RAINING AND HAILING...I'M SUNNY AGAIN...I'M RAINING AGAIN....holy shit is mother nature just confused or did she just decide to fuck it all today,smoke a blunt and play with buttons??...at least she washed my car...twice Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Monday, May 15th, 2006
1:45 pm	a decade later its been a couple of days since my last entry and everything has been going pretty alright. on saturday i helped out randy and his mom with their yard sale. it wasn't all to hard since it was pretty much a quiet day. i did however get into an idiot fight with my mom. and because of that i had to go into work a little after 2 instead of being there at 1. even though i had to shake my bad mood which took a while, work turned out alright. even better, i was put in the kitchen for the night to tray up food and clear the windows for the line cooks. so being back there i didn't have to be all professional like i would being up front with the guests. i was supposed to close that night except i was in alot of pain so i was able to get someone to close for me and leave early. i had burns on my fingertips on my right hand and my right thumb at one point actually managed to dislocate itself for like a second before it popped back in, and then it jammed up, so i had to ice it down for a little while and then pop it back out into place. my back was in alot of pain too but that all was gone by next day. after i got out of work i headed over to laurens to make up a cd and probably just go home for the night. bridget ended up calling me and she showed up outside laurens where we talked for a while, which actually turned into a few hours like it always does with us. yesterday, mothers day, went by really fast...didn't do too much before i had work, just hung out at home, and then went to work at 3. we were really busy and at the same time it felt like nothing since there were 6 hosts on. really good team we had so it was alot of fun when it should have been nonstop work. and now we're also record breakers/setters because yesterday was the busiest day the restaurants ever had. after last night my plans were to stand as follows...early in the night i saw colleen and i asked her if she wanted to hang out when i got off work. at first she said maybe but when i said we could go see a movie, my treat she was for it lol. after work last night jackie and i talked of getting lunch today. a few hours from now i gotta call randy to see what he's up to because we might hang out for a while. and later tonight i'm supposed to have plans with samantha. well last night kinda fell through, i know it was only a few hours notice for us to hang out but i was still looking forward to spending time with colleen...i dont even think there has been a time when me and her have ever hung out alone. well, she kinda canceled on me after i got home to get changed out of my work clothes because the only movie she said she wanted to see was poseidon and that didn't start until about 10:50 which for her was going to be too late since she had to be up early. ok then. at about 1:30ish i called jackie and she said she's not feeling too good so lunch for us is canceled because i'm not going to force her to eat if her stomache is bothering her. so for randy i gotta call him at about maybe 4ish to see whats up with him, and then at about 8ish gotta call samantha to get our plans underway. but if my thoughts are correct then i dont think i'm doing too much today, and part of me really just doesn't care either. last night i got an email from christina (a very good friend from highschool) saying she wants my number again because she is coming back home and wants to make plans. and my reply is this "dont waste your effort, i have no time for you". it's that simple. me and her were the best of friends in highschool. we were practically inseperable like me and the guys all were. she was there the entire time for all of us, she was part of our group. but when it fell apart it broke her heart to see all of us go our seperate ways. she stuck around with me and aj after we graduated but just until she went into the airforce. i was the one who drove her to the airport for when she was to be stationed and sent to italy where she's been for the past few years now. only thing is she promised to keep in touch with me and aj and people but so far i've not heard a word from her since...and i know she knows my number already because she has kept in touch with aj the entire time, phone calls and emails...and he's given her my number again n again. well she has still yet to get in touch with me, not that it matters anymore, but this email attempt is pathetic and shes got a screw lose if she thinks after 2 or more years time that i'm going to be her friend NOW. that is over with. and i have no sadness from saying this at all...not even that much anger...i dont care if she's trying to reconnect with me, i'm not the same person and this isn't like old times anymore. where i used to love her to death, now, shes just an example of how i just dont give a fuck anymore. no remorse, no sadness...if u can forget about me so easily then, then you can do it again now. this situation is no different from like how it is with half my "family". those that havent bothered to be in touch with me after 10 years since my father died. and sadly, its to this very fucking day too...may 15th. so glad you're gone "dad", it's taught me so much about good and bad, right and wrong, fake and real...and it's made me who i am today. whether people love me or hate me. i can only hope that YOUR family will be joining you all too soon, it's what they deserve. 10 fuckin years... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 13th, 2006
12:42 am	another good day, only 1 setback today turned out to be pretty good again. i got enough sleep last night and i woke up today ready to go. had to bring my youngest cat (the purebred persian) to the vets for her to get spayed. but of course she is hiding in the deepest darkest part of the downstairs hall closet. took me like 15 minutes just to get at her and the appointment was supposed to be at 9:20. of course i didnt leave the house until about that time with her. she meowd bloody hell all the way there and then when we got there i realized i forgot the certificates for her n shit. so i left her there, drove home and got the papers, and then drove back. although the initial fee was supposed to be like 10 dollars because the visit was covered, they strongly recommended she get some sort of antibiotics for the pain she will be in. not wanting my cat to be in pain i agree to it. and the doctor commented on how lightweight she is. about 4 pounds for her. he wanted to run some bloodwork just to be on the safeside otherwise if something could be wrong with her and they did the surgery it could kill her. since my mom arranged this whole thing and i was just the driver there's no way she could have known about the lightweight thing. so i opted to pay for the blood screening tests to be done. i left her there and about an hour or so later i get a call from the doc saying that they cant run the spay surgery on her because something is wrong with her blood and liver or something to that point. either way the serum in her blood came out yellow which is bad but not fatal and it can all be corrected through some blood work. so after picking up the kitten from the vet and paying for the services done already i went to laurens and got her and together we drove back to my house to bring the kitten back. it was nice because lauren held her on the ride back instead of her being in her cat carrier so she was quiet without a sound. got to my house and i talked to bridget on the phone for a few minutes while lauren was outside playing with max. then we went to cayleigh's only after a ride to the BK on route 73. at cay's i was subject to look at practically hundreds of old school pics of cayleigh and everyone. fun to look at but she has so many!! i got to meet someone knew today...one of cayleigh's friends: marybeth. cute girl, really nice and a good attitude about her. a bit after 3:30 lauren had to go back home to get ready for work so i drove back to her house with the idea of going back to cay's. but after getting to laurens i decided it best just to stay there for the extra 40 minutes or so before we'd both have to leave for work. i climbed up onto the roof of the house where pat and poppa ward were renovating some of the roof and such. the ladder climb didnt bother me because it was so high, it bothered me because it wobbled a little bit. once on the roof it brought back old memories of good times in monmouth county. after being up there for a few minutes i was ready to climb back down, it was really hot on that roof and the roof itself was scorched. so i jumped down to the second level of the roof to the garage and i was going to jump off to the ground but thought against it since i havent jumped that height in a while. so me and pat made a call to lauren and she opened up the small window going into her parents bedroom. me n pat had to really squeeze into the window because it didnt open very high and it was kind of narrow to begin with. pretty funny couple of minutes there. work was pretty good for the most part. good team was on working with me so i had no complaints. a little bit into the night my eyes started to hurt from the dim lights and it turned into a pretty bad headache. leona went and got me some medicine for me which i think made it worse because after taking the medicine i got very woozy and dizzy, if i closed my eyes i felt like gravity was pulling me to the right. plus where everybody else was burning up i was freezing cold. i associate all this to the fact that i seriously dont remember eating today. well anyway, i was forced to go home by sue and samantha. althought i adamantly refused and wanted to stay and stick it out. but i was forced to go home anyway. it's nice to know they care. getting in the car was new for me because walking was already something to concentrate on and driving is faster with more motion feeling to it. i made it to cayleigh's where she had nora, jenna, eric k, george, brittany, and marybeth hangin out. after a few minutes we all had to leave though and i made my way down to randy's which is where i pretty much stayed the rest of the night. mrs. k made me sit down and eat, drink, and relax. we watched global guts on nickelodeon and right about the time i started to feel somewhat better i went out with randy to put up signs for their yard sale tomorrow morning. it was nice because me and him never get to talk and we never are around eachother without other people so it was cool. randy's a great guy and i see that me and him could be great friends. so the effort will be put into that because having great friends is a very good thing. after coming back to the house i drew up a funny looking penguin for mrs. k complete with pipe and smoke and all. me and randy came up with the idea to do a rendition of brokeback mountain called brokeback cinnaminson. we even did a pose together from the movie where i am jake gyllenhall and he is heath ledger standing behind me with his head on my shoulder and my head leaning against his while we stare into nothingness...gotta get costumes and pictures taken because it would look awesome. then we settled down to look through old school I SPY books. of which after jackie gave up we still went on another puzzle or 2 and decided it best to finish it tomorrow. so driving home from randy's i'm about to go onto route 130 and i see this really pretty girl in a nice black truck pull up next to me. turns out its MK! so i followed her to wawa where we talked for a few and then parted ways since she has a trip to cincinatti, ohio to leave for tomorrow. drove home no problem and came on the computer to type this up. now that i'm pretty much done with my newest chapter to my live journal novel i'm going to go back to cayleighs to spend the night with her in order to ensure we are both up early for the yard sale because she wants to check it out and i dont want to let down mrs. k and randy. on a final note: lauren i'm sorry i didnt call u back i saw u were calling me but i was on the phone with bridget for the moment and when i got off the phone with her and went to call you back my phone conveniantly died. when i got home i put it on charger but now it's all late so please accept my apologies. leave me some love people. -p- Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
2:18 am	its still happening its starting to get really scary, even tho it's awesome...but things are still going really good for me lately. no problems at home, no problems with friends, no problems with myself. i've got alot of things to be thankful for and enjoy, and i've got alot of things to look forward to that are coming up. first and foremost today was awesome. the weather was up and down till late tonight but i was able to wake up and stay up early this morning. nicer weather definatley makes me more up and ready for the day. got things done around the house that needed to be done. was able to relax and i even got my car cleaned out today! been meaning to do that for a while now and its done and i'm going to keep it that way for as long as i can b/c i like having a backseat. after that i picked up cayleigh and i was planning on getting my car inspection done since i've had the car for 1 year now. although the inspections have to be done every 2 years i felt that i should just do it anyway. so me n cay get there and the guy told me to come back next year....fucker. anyway so then me n cayleigh went out to dinner at the cracker barrel with my little sister and my mom. of course i realized that i had to go back and pick up my little sister from her after school program only after i was coming off 295 into mount holly...not much of a drive back but man that was horrible of me lol. funny tho. so dinner was good and i beat cayliegh at checkers (after teaching her how to play lol), then my 7 year old sister (after teaching her again and yea not much of a challenge yet anyway), and then i beat my mom (which was definatley more satisfying and she swears i cheated somehow...i dont have to cheat, im just good). so yea i declare an OPEN CHECKER CHALLENGE!!! anywhere! anytime!! anyplace!!! i'll beat anyone hahahahaha. wow i'm random, love it tho. after dinner and checkers i drove back to my house to drop off my little sister because she refused to go in my moms car. then cay n i drove over to laurens where her n mk where cleaning the house for mama ward. pat n i played a lil while of throwing a basketball around. then momma ward wanted to go to the mall b/c she said she was in "a spending mood" and because she was bringing her "plastics". a good opportunity basically so me n pat were goin to go with her to the moorestown mall and cayleigh, mk, and lauren were goin to the cherry hill mall for somethin else. after already being in the car pat complained that he needed his phone so we had to go back the few blocks we already went but then i decided it best not to go b/c i still had some things to take care of at home and being at the mall with no way back would have taken to long if i needed to leave. so i got out when we got back to the house n thanked momma ward anyway for the invite and made my way home. on the drive home bridget calls me to tell me she got out of work early thus allowing us to hang out 2 hours earlier then expected. so i went home n did what i had to do which took like 15 minutes tops and left to pick her up. on my way there i was able to call jackie and tell her that i miss her and was able to chat with her for a few minutes. picked up bridget with no problems, and drove back to my house. once again me n her had a good night together, watched final destination 2 which will never get old with the way they kill off those people...great movie and shes never seen it before so it was fun to watch her reactions to their deaths lol. other then that another great night of fun and talking with her which was really good especially since shes got a cool trip to north carolina comin up and shes goin to be gone this next week till saturday. one thing that i'm very much looking forward to in the coming weeks is may 26th. im making my trip to monmouth county of which i havent been there in months now... i feel so disconnected from it. original plans was for me to drive up there and hang out with aj, make our infamous train trip to newark n get brandon and then come back to eatontown and chill n watch x-men 3 since its the night it comes out. but now plans are upgraded somewhat which makes it better. now as it stands i'll still be leaving early morning to go up to eatontown to see dre but i'll be taking along bridget, lauren, and hopefully/possibly cayleigh. we'll meet up with aj and then take the train up to newark n get brandon n come back down, have a fun day filled with who knows what and go who knows where, and then in the nighttime we'll meet up with cameron (aj's brother) and their dad who is fucking awesome! so yea its going to be a good time and my only one concern which isnt even that great a deal is that up there there's the uncanny coincedence of always running into people u either havent seen in a while, or that u would rather not see at all. for me right now its stephanie, and i know i wouldnt approach her in any way but something tells me she'd probably come up to me with some sort of bullshit. being that we havent spoken or seen eachother since that night that i broke up with her. as far as i know aj's been giving her shit every chance he gets and she'll probably think it's because of me telling him to do so. so let her say something because although i know i have nothing to say to her, if she comes up to me, i'll have alot of very harsh negative things to say to her because if she ever knew me at all she'd know that she shouldnt be coming up to me in the first place, secondly she knows that aj never liked her and upon my request WILL forcefully remove her from my sight, thirdly she knows that brandon won't stand for her shit at all and he's more wreckless with good intentions then me or dre, and finally if any credit is to be placed on her head its going to be placed with the fact that she knows that i do NOT respect her in any shape or form, and she knows that i'm not afraid to show how coldhearted i can be and how harsh i can be to people like her especially if i dont respect you. so stephanie this entry is dedicated to you. and its to bad you wont be reading this but all the same here's to you ya dumb bitch. u once told me that u hope i never find love again...well i've found it, and u once told me u hope i'll never be happy again, but fuck off cuz i'm nothing but happy. i've got my friends, all of which are very near and dear to me and i to them. it's never been about quantity for me like it is for u, its always been about quality. i wish u could be smacked in the face for every single very close friend i have. and you'd be smacked once each for AJ, Brandon, Lauren, Bridget, Cayleigh, Jackie, Matt, and Petra. they make me who i am and they're the reasons why i'm so much better then you each one having some credit in why i am who i am and why i'm so strong, b/c each one lives in my heart. so "darling" you failed trying to curse my happiness...i'm still the same old me just with minor improvements. i'm not broken and i'm not down. i'm better then i've ever been. you also once told me that my heart is dead and frozen. well steph, a dead heart can't love the way i can and do. and it's only cold for you. so step up and say something to me, b/c if i decide you're worthy enough for me to even tell off, i'd probably still have to say something before any one of the people i will be with does first. and no, i'm not lingering on u, i just know u very well and i know that u wont pass up the chance to say something to me if u get to, so i'm just ready and expecting. and yea this might be somewhat corny what i'm about to say, but its only may and the weather has been very hot..u say i'm coldhearted steph...well on the 26th if u approach me, count on feeling a chill in the air..."FUCK YOU, HAVE A NICE DAY" :) hehe..."I'MMMMM BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!" and yea so this entry ended up a lil dramatic and fucking book long..but come on, u loved every second of reading it didnt u? ha Current Mood: rejuvenated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
4:53 am	yea.. so its been a few days since i updated, and those that read this know im not dead anyway but yea, im still here. just havent felt much like typing on this thing because i've been doing so much thinking and talking elsewhere. i'm ok and the only thing is that i've made changes to myself and made up my mind to stop doing some things. i've come too far for 10 years to revert back to stupid shit from my past and to allow my past to run me now. it's time for changes. here's a new paragraph lauren! just for u!...today was a fun day......even tho its like...4:30 in the morning, so...yea yesterday was a good day lol. work was fun again, its getting creepy. patti was wearing some awesome perfume or something. i felt like i had no control over my senses for a minute lol. just because of her my quote of the day has to be "wow patti, u smell awesome!...i just want to take u home and, and and....cuddle!" i wasnt the only one taken by her seduce juice. jon grabbed the bottle from her and me him n brian tried making a run for it. manager sue was awesome tonight...she came up to the podium and started singing some song from the wiggles disney show. ok strange. she has like a 4 year old niece so shes cool aunt sue. but she just randomly comes up and sings "do do dooo get on the bus"...i cried i laughed so hard. i love sue, shes awesome! colleens ex-joe is a boston redsox fan. I FUCKING HATE BOSTON. so those that know that know i prefer the yankees..i mean fucking duh! what're u new? he had some cocky away message up saying that "if you're not watching the boston new york game u should be b/c its a good time"...yea that's b/c boston beat NY like 14-3. good job for them. but to take out my frustration i told him that i'm going to kick him in the balls. so in the end I win cuz u can't enjoy a baseball game if you're pre-cum kids are screaming pain to end my night around 10:30ish bridget and i hung out and enjoyed just layin around watchin a robin williams comedy special on dvd..we both had a great time and laughed our asses off the entire night, even after the dvd was over we still had plenty of laughs and a good time talking as well. something that i think we both needed so yea...good times. all in all a pretty great day n night. -----o n if anyone has gotten this far to read this (which u hopefully have otherwise me typing this is pointless), but yea random note: i found some old school spiderman comics that i used to have back in the day and i read thru one, and in the beginning of the story tell me how spidey's alter-ego peter parker is leaving a show on broadway and its fucking RENT. yea spidey, i'd be leaving too...J/K...sad thing is i flinched when i typed that...i'm scared of lauren and cayleigh's reactions to this, i know i'm goin to get hit sometime for it (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
2:04 pm	wow the last few days have been really awesome for me. nothing has been going wrong at all...no fighting, no stress, no problems. everything has just been really good and thats not normal. im waiting for the downfall. but at least yesterday was pretty much the best day i've had in a while, especially at work. to start things off tho i got maybe 4 hours of sleep monday night and i was wide awake come morning. got stuff done around the house..whatever little things there were to do anyway. then i just sat n relaxed for a while. picked pat up from school cuz i have only glanced at it before. nice highschool by the way. back at laurens house, lauren was getting ready to go out on a nature walk with jackie and some peeps. i would have went if not for the fact that i wouldnt have been able to stay n enjoy it cuz i had work at 5. out of nowhere momma ward calls me n i went to see what she wanted. she says to me "wanna drive stickshift?". so she lets me get the keys to her 1995?? mazda miata convertable (LOVE IT). i havent driven stick in god knows how long but lucky for me im good with tiny sports cars lol. so i get in n pat gets in the passenger seat, we drop the top n i get the car started n back it out of the driveway. it stalled a couple of times on me cuz i was definatley not used to the cars clutch catch point n acceleration power. after just a few minutes it all came back to me tho n it was like riding a bike. took it for a spin down new albany and around a few blocks by laurens. eventually ended up at bridgets cuz i owed her a phone call but hey.....convertable. didnt want to stay out to long with it so i brought it back n parked it in driveway so i could get ready for work. so now im thinking my day is really goin great. but with the olive garden it can really dampen ur spirits sometimes and i did not want that to happen...but it was great last night so i didnt have to worry. to start my shift off manager joe comes up to me n says hi n talks for a few minutes. he ends up telling me that at a managers meaning the other day he gave me praise!! the fucker gave ME praise!! hes the last person there i expect to say anything good about me but its appreciated all the same. being on his good side is definatley better b/c i get so much more authority there. later that night when he went out to have a back door smoke break he told me cuts were up to me, so the second he left i cut out the 2 back rooms and the double shift servers. HA! but good times all day there. working with patty, samantha, and brian was so much fun (very unexpected). Devons got this thing that he likes to call sam a "Squirtle" b/c shes cute like a pokemon. ok, thats nice i guess. but poor brian decided to be a smartass n sam n patty both attacked him, which led to ideas of wanting to catch them and make them fight eachother. lol didnt work. patty was top notch the entire night, shes been doin really good and she was definatley the center of the laughs yesterday. she tried calling sam outside when we were holding the doors open wondering why sam was inside n not outside with us. so she goes "hey sam! SAM!! shit whats her last name? hey sam blahdehblehblah!" WTF?!! but of course she has a way with words...like how she told us that she went to the zoo n she called a hippo a ribonocersaurus. THE FUCK IS THAT? lol and when john asked her how to spell that she says "H...". That made john just walk away in silence with his head down lol. not a few minutes later brian was standing behind sam who was next to me and i was writing things down when i hear "man next time i come here i want to eat of that!" so i look up n i see him walking over to the mini coffee table by the couch, n i said "oh the table haha, i thought u meant sam!" then i go to agree with brian and i say "yea man i'd eat that" n of course now it seems that im talking about sam.......poor girl. shes great tho, when i first came in i went to get a hug like i always get from her n she shook her head no. so i said to her "wow, someone's on their period" n she said "no" n then i replied "wow, someone's a bitch" lol that got her to laugh. i've been trying to get in touch with zach and anyone who knows him knows that he can be totally unreachable. but i decided to text him n i wrote down him number to remember it b/c we're all laughing to hard and there's no way in hell i can remember a phone number thru all that lol. so i wrote it down n i texted him but then patty sees the number n asks me whos it is. i told her "nobodys" n i crumpled the paper up. she still wanted to know so brian told her "i was refering him to ur mom" n patty looks at him n then me n says "oh, you're giving my mom head too?" so i looked up at her n said "too? like its happened before??" n she said "no, brian gave me mom head, or she gave him head....supposedly". Patty...I love you...but im going to by u a leapfrog learning center for christmas. Patty went to hit brian and she missed completely to which we hear "OW I MISSED....OH GOD!!!"...made me think she broke her arm or something, i mean, how hard can hitting air be? somehow we got on the topic of some crazy song which we could name...or act out either...but then one of us said "oh the chicken dance" and we all say to eachother "how did that go again"..mind u there are customers sitting and watching as the 4 of us are in this circle facing eachother and thinking how the song went. then out of nowhere ALL 4 of us start dancing really fucking stupid while singing the chicken dance melody....WOW. we got a little loud tho n brian said "ok you're all fired" to which sam says to me "well then they should cut the back room now so they can host" n i said "yea then the 4 of us can go to the park". The BEST moment tho was when john came up to talk to us about the dave matthews band he's going to. patty is standing in front of the podium facing john and brian is standing next to patty, also facing john, im behind patty cuz im standing behind the podium and sam is kinda off to the left by the patio door. John said something to the point of "i'm going to splurge all fucking night" hearing that i look at sam and i mouth the word "SPLURGE????" to her n she shrugs her shoulders. then i hear him say "yea man, definatley going to be splurging all fucking day n night" to which i look back at sam n i mouth to her "what the fuck is SPLURGING???" n she let out some sort of really weird giggle that got the attention of john asking her "what the fuck kind of laugh is that?" patty...also hearing sam laugh and as we're all looking at sam now patty starts to run around in circles really really fast trying to look at her back like a dog chasing its tail and shes yelling frantically "WHATS ON ME?? WHATS ON ME?!!!!" haha....god shes totally random...but so we dont think shes a complete nut after she calmed down she calmly explained that she thought i put something on her back. for the record.....i never touched her, lol. good times tho i hope work tonight is the same....me n patty with jenna n ashley 1....hope for the best, expect the worst with those 2...but as long as i got patty tonight we'll b good. funny tho, how i look forward to working with her when normally if i see that im working with patty jenna n ashley i have to ask the manager what i did to make them mad at me lol. wow so this entry is really long and if u read all of it.. ::sniff...tearful eye:: i congradulate you.....and knowing that its more then likely cayleigh...HI CAY!!!! Current Mood: energetic (1 Comment |Comment on this)